Monday, July 26, 2010

3rd Base.

It's been a while.
I haven't had too many thought-provoking ideas, I guess... Or I've just been too busy. Probably a little of both.
This time last year, I was at a stronger point spiritually and relationally with God than I have ever been in... either before or after.  For the past year or so since that high season, I have felt frustrated and devastated because I couldn't maintain that super-spiritual life. As of the past few months, I have felt as if I am at my lowest point spiritually in a while. I have been struggling and struggling to find what I'm missing, but the harder I try the further I seem to be from intimate relation with the Lord. In addition, I have been surrounded by spiritual superheroes who challenge me to grow, but they also make me question if I am doing anything right. I wonder sometimes, how can God love that person who is so spiritually in-tune, and still love me? Why am I not like that? I realize now that I have only been growing and the Lord has been teaching me, but it has been hard.  Stinkin' hard.  As I have been attempting to regain the ground that I "lost" in this period of spiritual hunger and frustration, God has taught me a few really significant things that I think are worth sharing:
First of all, He showed me that I am learning. My progress is miniscule, almost invisible to my eyes, but He has been watching me take leaps and bounds for the Kingdom as I mature in my faith.
Second, He taught me that you can't go to 3rd base on the first date (I mean... I guess you can, but this is God speaking here, and I don't think that's how He rolls). I am still spiritually young. And my relationship with God is still on the first-date level. He's still new to me, I'm still trying to figure Him out, and I'm still questioning if God is really worth my complete surrender (that probably sounds harsh, but it's the truth).  The other day, I was praying about this. I was telling God that I wanted to be back at the place I was a year ago, and I was asking Him to bring me back there NOW! What He told me was, "Hallie, you can't go to 3rd base on the first date. We are getting there, but our relationship is not intimate or personal enough yet for you to be at that place. Just spend time with me and get to know me. We'll get there... but it starts with baby steps."

So we're getting there. I hope you can relate to this or take something from it.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Who's with me?

Sold out.
On fire.

These are words that I would use to describe people in the Bible -
David, Moses, Noah, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Paul, Peter, John, Jesus.
My question is - Why don't they describe me? Not to be falsely humble, but to be genuinely humbled, not one of these words describes the person that I am right now.
Lately I have felt like I am standing on a 100-foot-high diving board above the ocean, staring down, down, down, as I grip the edge with my toes. I know exactly what God is calling me to do. Dive in. Headfirst. No regrets. No turning back. Total freefall. I understand what it takes, and I understand that I am insufficient to survive on my own power. I have all the knowledge I need, I just won't jump. I know that behind me is a life of darkness and anxiety. And I know that below me is a life of fulfillment, sacrifice, and inexpressible joy. Why won't I jump in?
I think it might be because I'm afraid of jumping alone. We have been talking a lot at work about the lack of true community in the modern church and the desperate need for it. God never intended for His children to take on discipleship single-handedly. He gave each of us different gifts for a reason... so we would NEED each other. And we do. We do even today. But we don't recognize the need, and we are continuing to ignore it as it grows and grows.
So, my question is... who's with me? Will you take my hand and jump in with me? Because clearly I am too afraid to jump on my own.