3rd Base.

It's been a while.
I haven't had too many thought-provoking ideas, I guess... Or I've just been too busy. Probably a little of both.
This time last year, I was at a stronger point spiritually and relationally with God than I have ever been in... either before or after.  For the past year or so since that high season, I have felt frustrated and devastated because I couldn't maintain that super-spiritual life. As of the past few months, I have felt as if I am at my lowest point spiritually in a while. I have been struggling and struggling to find what I'm missing, but the harder I try the further I seem to be from intimate relation with the Lord. In addition, I have been surrounded by spiritual superheroes who challenge me to grow, but they also make me question if I am doing anything right. I wonder sometimes, how can God love that person who is so spiritually in-tune, and still love me? Why am I not like that? I realize now that I have only been growing and the Lord has been teaching me, but it has been hard.  Stinkin' hard.  As I have been attempting to regain the ground that I "lost" in this period of spiritual hunger and frustration, God has taught me a few really significant things that I think are worth sharing:
First of all, He showed me that I am learning. My progress is miniscule, almost invisible to my eyes, but He has been watching me take leaps and bounds for the Kingdom as I mature in my faith.
Second, He taught me that you can't go to 3rd base on the first date (I mean... I guess you can, but this is God speaking here, and I don't think that's how He rolls). I am still spiritually young. And my relationship with God is still on the first-date level. He's still new to me, I'm still trying to figure Him out, and I'm still questioning if God is really worth my complete surrender (that probably sounds harsh, but it's the truth).  The other day, I was praying about this. I was telling God that I wanted to be back at the place I was a year ago, and I was asking Him to bring me back there NOW! What He told me was, "Hallie, you can't go to 3rd base on the first date. We are getting there, but our relationship is not intimate or personal enough yet for you to be at that place. Just spend time with me and get to know me. We'll get there... but it starts with baby steps."

So we're getting there. I hope you can relate to this or take something from it.

Who's with me?

Radical.
Sold out.
On fire.
Consumed.
Spirit-led.
Dangerous.
Holy.
Bold.
Courageous.


These are words that I would use to describe people in the Bible -
David, Moses, Noah, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Paul, Peter, John, Jesus.
My question is - Why don't they describe me? Not to be falsely humble, but to be genuinely humbled, not one of these words describes the person that I am right now.
Why?
Lately I have felt like I am standing on a 100-foot-high diving board above the ocean, staring down, down, down, as I grip the edge with my toes. I know exactly what God is calling me to do. Dive in. Headfirst. No regrets. No turning back. Total freefall. I understand what it takes, and I understand that I am insufficient to survive on my own power. I have all the knowledge I need, I just won't jump. I know that behind me is a life of darkness and anxiety. And I know that below me is a life of fulfillment, sacrifice, and inexpressible joy. Why won't I jump in?
I think it might be because I'm afraid of jumping alone. We have been talking a lot at work about the lack of true community in the modern church and the desperate need for it. God never intended for His children to take on discipleship single-handedly. He gave each of us different gifts for a reason... so we would NEED each other. And we do. We do even today. But we don't recognize the need, and we are continuing to ignore it as it grows and grows.
So, my question is... who's with me? Will you take my hand and jump in with me? Because clearly I am too afraid to jump on my own.

Follow the Leader.

Little disclaimer: Most of these thoughts come from a video by Frances Chan.

God and His Son give a clear example of how disciples of Christ are to live.
Jesus says, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." -Matthew 8:34
When you were a kid, and you played follow the leader, you DID what the leader did. If the leader flapped his arms, you flapped your arms. You certainly did not say, "I will just sit here and flap my arms in my heart. Really, I promise, I'm flapping my arms on the inside." 
Imagine if your father asked you to clean your room. How impressed would he be if you came back to say, "Dad, I memorized what you said. I thought about cleaning my room, and I memorized exactly what you told me. Later today, me and some friends are going to have a study about what cleaning my room might look like." 
Of course he would NOT be impressed! 
We do the same thing with Jesus. He tells us to walk as He walks, and we simply sit and memorize, or we study, or we think. Jesus did not command us to think about what He said, He calls us to DO IT!

"I can never escape from Your Spirit!

I can never get away from Your presence!

If I go up to heaven, You are there. 

If I go down to the grave, You are there. 

If I ride the wings of the morning, 

if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

even there Your hand will guide me,

and Your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

and the light around me to become night - 

but even in darkness I cannot hide form You.

To You, the night shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are the same to You."

-Ps. 139:7-12

This is probably the most comforting thing I know of.. that even if I try, I can't escape God.

I seem to be prone to taking on too much.  I try to please everyone, take care of everyone, and I try to convince myself that failure, on my part, is unacceptable. 

But God's Spirit is with me... always.  I don't have to be everywhere.  I don't have to do everything.  God's Spirit is taking care of me.  And when I am afraid, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm alone, when I'm anxious, God is here.  And He is not frightened by my dark.  In fact, my dark, deep brokenness shine  bright... because, like I said, God is there.  In my brokenness, in my weakness, in my attempts and failures to fix the world, God is there. 

Growing Pains.

NEWSFLASH: You are older now than you were when you first clicked on this page, and time is slipping away all the time. I don't mean to be negative, but lately I've been experiencing some serious growing pains.
I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally ready to be a responsible grown-up. But I don't really have a choice, do I?  Things are constantly changing, people are hurting, and life demands responsibility at some times.  So whether I would like to or not, I am growing up.  And it's painful.
I have lived in this naive bubble for my whole life - one that tells me that everyone is kind.  No one wants to hurt me, and the people in my life are angels who never mess up.  Don't get me wrong, people have told me constantly that humans are flawed and that the world can be dangerous, but I never chose to believe it.
The more I experience of the world, however, the more I discover how much we humans have screwed up God's plan.
PLUS, the more life I live, the more I discover how short it is.  I have one life, and it's already almost 1/4 of the way over.  Woah, when did that happen? I'm just now starting to understand what my life is about.
If you are like me, the knowledge of how short life is and how corrupt the world is only instills in me one emotion - urgency. There are so many pointless tasks that so easily occupy our minds, hearts, strengths, and energies. 

This is why I was placed on the earth:
"God has given us this task of reconciling people to Him. For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself, no longer counting people's sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ's ambassadors; God is making His appeal through us."
- 2 Cor. 5:18-20
I believe that this "message of reconciliation" is also why God placed You here. Will you accept the challenge? Although God may wait for your reply, time will not.

From top to bottom:

Caren from Prestoncrest Girls House making a card for Tommy

Emmanuel flying a kite

My class for Spiritual Emphasis week with their banner

Me and Emmanuel

Some kids on the way to the beach

Linary girls outside their house

Margaret and Monica, some sweet boarder girls from my class

The kids at Spiritual Emphasis!

I'm not sure I can write about everything from Ghana yet. 

I'll be back. :)

Ghana 2010.

I am about to be extremely open and vulnerable with you.  Christianity has become largely about appearing "good" or "holy" rather than true community or vulnerability, and I am about to share with you some not-so-good or holy inner thoughts.  I ask that you not take that vulnerability for granted.

Tomorrow, I will be leaving for the Village of Hope in Ghana for the duration of three weeks.
I'm traveling with a team of college students from Oklahoma Christian and the campus minister from Memorial Road Church of Christ, and we will basically be getting to know the kids, helping with construction, putting on a week-long VBS, and doing anything the Village of Hope needs us to.

Last year I traveled to Malawi, which is located on the other side of the continent from Ghana, and I can safely say that I was fearless even as I boarded the 3-day-long series of flights (minus one minor breakdown). This year, however, I am having flashbacks of Moses' encounter with God at the burning bush. "I don't speak well, God. Please, send someone else."
That is how I feel. "God, please, send someone else. I'm not right for this job." I don't feel ready, I don't feel prepared, I don't feel called. But, at the same time, I know that God has called me to Ghana. I know that God has called me into relationship with people all over the world, because I simply love people. When I think about it, really think about it, I know in my heart that Africa is where I want to be. But I'm entering the trip with a lot of expectations carried over from Malawi that I need to lay down. Plus, I'm downright humbled at the thought of a 3-week period without communication to the people I talk to every day. Most ashamedly, I am lazy. I just got home from my first year at college, I had to drive 11 hours by myself, we were displaced from our house because of flooding and I didn't even get to stay in my own bed, and all I want to do in this moment is settle down in my living room and rest.
I know... poor me, right? WRONG. Not poor me. My life is not about me or my comfort level. It is about God and the fact that He has called me. It is about the fact that God is teaching me to lean on Him in every situation. It is about the feeling that I will have once I'm in Ghana - the peace and the assurance that I am right where I need to be. My life, plain and simply, is about learning to lay down me.
Jesus, please help me.
I ask for your bold and faithful prayers on behalf of our team, on behalf of the children of VOH, and on behalf of my stubborn attitude. God has a lot of work to do on this trip. Good thing He's God.

Much love. Stay safe and stay at peace.

"Though an army besiege me, 

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord,

this is what I seek,

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord

and to see Him in His temple."

-Psalm 27:3-4